Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Zone Three

Apparently lightening struck the Providence line commuter rail track this morning which means big delays. So I sit on a bench at the station waiting for a train to work and reflecting on the 11 years I have commuted into Boston...

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Before I went in to have both of my breasts removed, a weird sort of nesting thing came over me. I wanted to make sure that our house was in order while I was away, which made sense I suppose. But there were a few twigs in my nest with which I became obsessed and those small pieces didn't make much sense at all. One involved my family's coins. In our kitchen junk drawer, we had accumulated a sandwich-bag full of coins and I was set on cashing them in. Granted, this was at a time when doctor appointments and surgery-related preparations took up the bulk of most days, so I have no idea why this mattered to me so much, but it did. 

I had long since given up the exercise of rolling coins so the solution was a simple one. I just had to get to the Coin Star machine at my local supermarket. The machine would take 10% off the top but I didn't mind. I just wanted those coins gone. 

The problem was that every time I tried to get to the Coin Star machine during the week before my surgery, something got in my way. So my bag of coins sat in my car, waiting as impatiently to be cashed in as I waited for my breasts to be removed.

I will never forget a day or two before my surgery when we were out and I told my mom about my coins. I presented it jokingly but she knows me enough to know that deep down, I was serious. 

Of course, she drove me straight to the Coin Star machine and I felt an odd sense of relief as I walked away with a ticket worth about $50. It was probably 0.03% the cost of my surgery. 

I don't know if it's true for others who have gone through a traumatic time, but I have arrived at a few other fixations throughout my cancer experience, most as seemingly insignificant as the bag of coins. I feel the need to write about one more of those now, as I sit still waiting for a train to work. I want to write about my monthly commuter rail passes. 

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I have commuted into Boston since 2004. For the first four of those years, I made the trek for law school, driving in on the expressway three or sometimes four nights a week after work for my classes. The traffic was atrocious if I left any later than 4:45 PM but if I left before then I could make my first class that started at six (and maybe even down a grilled cheese from the cafeteria beforehand).

Once I got my first lawyer job, I switched to riding the commuter rail into the city. It always seemed to be an eventful journey, mostly since I had to get Teddy to day care by 7:45 and he has never been easy at getting ready to go anywhere. 

When everything goes smoothly, the commute to and from my office is one hour door-to-door each way. I hated that hour so much at first, as anxiety plagued me. But life experience (plus Effexor) has helped me a lot and I have come to not only accept the reality of a commute but even enjoy it some of the time (not including last winter!). 

After I arrived at my new firm four years ago, I started to get my Zone Three train passes every month. It was my ticket into the city. When a new month rolled around, the previous month's pass was rendered useless and while I like to throw away anything unpurposeful, for some reason I let these train passes pile up. I couldn't let them go.

Every month when I put the new pass into my bag, I had a flash of overwhelming gratefulness and anxiety. I would think things like, I'm still here. Another month cancer free. But will I get a pass next month? Or will something crazy happen, related to cancer or not, that will make this month's pass the last one? It was such a strange obsession and I still don't fully understand the root of it.

What I do know is that my July 2015 pass is the last monthly pass I will buy for a while, or maybe even forever. While I still have to work these first two weeks of August before I begin teaching after that, I decided to forgo the August pass and buy a 10-ride pass on my phone. In fact, since I began this post, I boarded the late train and just flashed the conductor the mTicket app. Activate ticket.

I had no idea where I was going with this post when I started. But as the train pulls into Hyde Park station, just a few stops away from South Station where I will depart, I have found a bit of clarity. 

The truth is that cancer or no cancer, none of us know what the next month will bring, or even the next moment. In fact, in the minute before I sat down on the bench at the train station this morning, I heard about a young mother who lost her husband unexpectedly just weeks after she underwent a double mastectomy for breast cancer. I can't even comprehend it. Or maybe, a tiny, tiny part of me can. And my heart breaks. 

The last three years have taught me so much, including that anything can happen to any of us no matter how good we are or how hard we work. Next month's train pass is never a given. For so long, that thought has terrified me. But in a crazy twist, that thought brings me an odd sense of hope this morning. Because tragedy hits all of us at one time or another. But in the last three years, I have seen countless stories of people who have continued on in the face of those tragedies. They have lived strong when doing so seemed absolutely impossible. 

The hope that churns in me now is supported by the fact that I sit wedged in the corner of a crowded train with hundreds of commuters who are likely late and frustrated, but who neverthless appear calm and patient. It is supported by the fact that I don't have an August train pass, but not because my cancer came back. I don't have an August train pass because I chose not to have one. I chose, instead, to have my own classroom again -- an honest-to-goodness dream-come-true. And believe it or not, that classroom, and that dream, is walking-distance from my house. 

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Last stop. South Station. Have a great day, everyone. 

1 comment:

  1. Wow.....inspirational . I've been diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time, this time on my right breast. There are 3 tumours one of which is triple negative and one is oestrogen +. The third wasn't biopsied which does bother me as the one on my left 10 years ago was her2+.I have chemo every Friday and Friday gone by I had a severe reaction to carboplatin one of the Drugs I had 10 years ago in 2006 and no side effects. So glad to read your blog that they may be able to amend how it's administered I don't relish 7 hours instead on 1 hour getting this but whatever works. Lastly I have to day that I feel so POSITIVE about what's happening in my life. I don't believe things happen for a reason but in this case I believe that it is for a reason and a POSITIVE one I'm 51 now and when this is over by the end of 2016 things will change for me and in the meantime keep putting one foot in front of the other. Can't wait for the rest of my life. Thanks Tara